Stuffed…
For the longest time, I held it all in. I felt like I had my stomach pulled in all the time, trying to make it look flatter than it actually is, afraid to exhale and relax. What was I holding in? Tons and tons of stuff. Conversations I should have had, emotions I should have felt, expressed and released, tears I should have shed. It got to the point where I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I was just way too full.
There were times when I leaked and little bit of this stuff would seep out, which manifested in me feeling emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with, I would get into a funk, I would feel so very down, couldn’t access my joy, the glowing light that lived within me. I would retreat into myself, shutting off ,whilst trying to pretend to everyone that everything was ok, that I was the same old super reliable Patricia. I fooled no one!
When I couldn’t hold anymore in, the ‘stuff’ came out like a raging avalanche, which I dumped on the head of my beloved. He was shocked, surprised, hurt but held a beautiful space for me to access and express a deep truth that I was not willing to look at before. He wouldn’t let me off the hook, made me talk, really talk.
What I wanted to do was just get me back to that familiar place, where I could put a lid on the stuff again, where I could keep it firmly in place and then access the light within me. But here’s the thing, flicker from the light was diminishing, which meant to me that my inner reserves of joy was low and I couldn’t protect my self from my funk and the eruption was going to happen again, taking me to a place that I was scared of going to.
But I couldn’t do that and my beloved wouldn’t let me do that again. I had to go deep, because the fear of spewing all over my loved ones, was greater than looking at and dealing with the stuff. So I talked and he listened. I voiced the deepest secrets, I expressed the sadness that had been an ignored occupant within me. I cried the tears that should have flowed years ago.
What I realised that once something is observed, looked at it changes a little or a lot, so that whatever is there, is still there but the grip of it is loosened. It’s like being scared to look under the bed at night because you don’t know what lurks there, but once you do the fear changes, it’s observed, there’s more information to make a decision from.
This process was hard, I had to admit a lot. Admit that I was pretending to not know what I had to do. I had to admit that I wasn’t that scared little girl, I was a grown woman and it was absolute time that I put her in charge. I had to admit that I had access to a lot of internal resources, so had to let go of the victim which kept me stuck and scared.
Has the process ended? Have I dealt with all the stuff? The answer is no. I feel like I’m on a destination-less journey of letting go and letting in as I create more space within and increase my capacity to experience more joy, feel more love and thereby build up my reserves so I can give more joy and love.
Right now, I am still chunking that muscle. There have been and will be situations where I have to express what I truly feel without being afraid of hurting others and at times it easy and other times not so easy, but I’m scared of becoming so full of stuff again, losing my joy that I continue on the journey of self love and expression.
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