The Truth I Left Behind

What have you forgotten about yourself, what truth have you been denying?

I forgot I was a Master Manifester.

I had the pleasure recently of receiving some free coaching at work.  After I went through my back story, I was reminded that I was a Master Manifester and that I could still manifest whatever I wanted to attain now…. This was a revelation to me, I had forgotten about my achievements of the past. I had lost connection to the magic of what I made manifest.

I revealed to the coach how I was a single mother, who went to university with a 4 year old son in tow, how I left university and got a job as an IT professional. I had achieved my goal.  The goal amazingly was that I wanted to take my darling son on holiday. I wanted to afford a holiday that didn’t involve buying a national tabloid newspaper and collecting tokens for three months.  My son deserved so much more than a weekend in Skegness at a holiday camp, so to take my son on the ultimate holiday to me meant taking him across the pond to the USA to party with Donald, Mickey, Daisy and co.

So here I was a mother and her son, living courtesy of the tax payer with a big bodacious goal of taking my son on this epic adventure.  Although it was a big goal at the time, at no point did it seem silly, pointless or unattainable. I had such a strong drive and belief that I could do this for my son. I didn’t write the goal down, create a vision board, do visualisation exercises around it, I didn’t pray on it, proclaim it or talk about it; it was a calm and gentle inner knowing.

I had worked before having my son at the ripe old age of 21, I was an administration officer for an examination board, so I was used to working and taking care of myself. But the salary I earned at as admin officer was not going to get my son on that plane. After childcare and general living expenses there wouldn’t be anything to put into the holiday fund.  I needed a change in career…

I bought the Guardian newspaper and leafed through the ‘position vacant’ section and noticed that a lot of the well paid jobs involved IT in some way or another.  Boom… my mind was made up; I was going to do an IT degree. I found a one year access to university course that was tied to an IT degree course. I completed the course, went to university and studied my socks off for 3 years, whilst working every weekend at a national DIY store. I got a 2:1 in Information Management & Business IT.

I applied for one job, and got that job and started work at an IT professional within 6 weeks of leaving university. By the end of summer holidays, guess what? My son and I had spent 2 weeks hanging out with the Disney crew.  

Looking back and upon reflection I was a master manifester, but I didn’t realise it then. I thought my choices and the steps I took to achieve them was no big thing.  I never ever took the time to stand back and take stock of what I had achieved; I just thought it was run of the mill stuff that anyone could do it, so me doing it wasn’t anything to rave about.

 Although I was giving thanks for getting my degree, getting a job, the holiday etc… I didn’t see my achievement as an achievement; I just saw it as part of the course. Nothing to really acknowledge, appreciate or celebrate.

Even when I learned that my 1^st IT manager gave me the job because to be a full time mother, full time student and part time employee and juggle all successfully meant I had something within me. I had no appreciation of this thing within me. I had no appreciation of me. When someone tried to give me a pat on the back for my success, I could not see how I deserved praise for that.

That comment from the coach at work jolted awake something within me. I could finally see the journey I took, what I overcame and how I was connected to the goal and the process of achievement.  Where did Patricia the Master Manifester go?  Nowhere, I just went into hiding, lost connection to me, the inner me.  I was operating from the outside, not calling upon my pool of inner resources

 Fast forward to now, am I more appreciative of me, yes, it’s a work in progress. I recently did an inventory of all the things I did and I now realise that I have accomplished quite a bit and I am having a little ‘me’ celebration.  I can now say I am proud of me for what I chose to do, I am patting myself on the back and doing the running man in my bedroom when no one is looking.

As I reflect, I am remembering and capturing my heart and mind-set and I am amazed at how simple I made it then. I just decided what I wanted to do, set my inner compass in that direction and off I went. I trusted me, my decisions and stayed connected to that inner knowing.  

Going forward with that knowledge coupled with appreciation for my past journey successes I am welcoming the opportunity to once again consciously create and manifest. I am welcoming the opportunity to recognise what I am doing and congratulate me.  That inner knowing has become an outer smile that I wear with pride.

I would love to know what you have recently remembered about you. Some magic you recently unearthed.   Please feel free to comment below....

Abandoned By Me

Although I always made time to show up for my children, job, family, friends etc., I wasn’t always showing up for me and for what I wanted.

I thought I was because I was being there for everyone else and for a long time this was good for me. I was the loving and responsible mother, the friend who was just a call away, the attentive daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin and partner. 

Who was I to me? At that point in my life this question didn’t matter. I was taking care of business. As long as I fulfilled my ‘obligations’ to these people  in my life, then I thought all should be good in my life, It was important to show up for them.

But who was showing up for me? I realised that I wasn’t. I had abandoned me by busying myself with other people business. What I needed to mind my own business first? Yes, mind my business. If I didn’t who else was going to? It didn’t mean that I totally shut these people out of my life, it simply meant that I would do for me, take care of me before I took care of them. 

In order to still be the kind of mother, friend, lover who was reliable, supportive etc.. I needed to take care of me, bring me back into my fold.  This didn’t mean letting go of everyone, but it meant I had to abandon the notion of minding their business.  I had to ensure I was topped with love, self-care, joy, fun, laughter, so that I could easily impart this on the people in my life I cared about.

However, by paying a little more attention to me, it became more difficult to ignore the little yearning that came from my heart, it became the more difficult to ignore the unresolved ‘hurt’ from the past, by focusing on others and by filling myself up with their stuff, it was just a ruse to stop me from focusing on me, because at that time I couldn’t choose the bits I wanted to focus on. My little voice wanted my attention. It wanted me to perform a clean-up exercise, acknowledge, process, feel, begin to heal, be free. 


Whoa…..I was at odds with the little voice, I was cool, I was good. I was smiling; I was fun time mummy, friend, partner etc…  So my little voice had it wrong. 

I was OK. Yeah right…Who was I kidding?

What was the catalyst for change?

I happened to catch a very brief glimpse of someone from my past who I invested too much in emotionally. It was like a bolt of thunder had ripped through my body when I saw them. Before this moment, I would have sworn that I was totally over that past relationship, I had moved on and I was totally in love with a good and loving man.  

It became obvious that I hadn’t really dealt with the breakup with of that old relationship – I thought I had dealt with it beautifully because there was no screaming, shouting, nothing as uncivilized as that…. Stiff upper lip and all that.

I never spoke to anyone about the hurt and pain I went through, family and friends commented on how well I handled the break up, I thought I was superwoman.

I just pushed all the hurt, pain down, I stuffed it away in a box and layered the box with being there for everything else.  That bolt of emotion that ripped through me tore the lid off the box and there I was with a mass of unresolved stuff that in moment I realised was stopping me from receiving more love and joy because it was there taking up space.  

I started to feel relief; it was like a slow release of steam. I didn’t want to or need to go and tell the other person how they made me feel, but I needed to get it out of me. I decided to write about it, I poured it all out in my journal. I wrote about it for days on end, the more I wrote, the more steam was released.  

I realised it wasn’t about forgiving the other person, this process wasn’t about them, it was about forgiving me and accepting my role in what transpired.  I chose to stay, ignored my intuition etc… I wasn’t sentenced to be with this person.  

The most amazing thing about this process was that I was able to see how beautiful and special my current relationship is, it was so far removed from what I had experienced before. They had given me a beautiful lesson in what I didn’t want and for that I gave thanks for. As Oprah Winfrey said, ‘nothing is ever wasted’. 

Now that I had my attention, and had created a bit more space within me, the yearning to do something else grew, it wasn’t as drastic like running off to join the circus, it was something small, but huge to me as it meant focusing on me, putting me in the limelight. Whatever this yearning was, it was for my higher good, I wanted more fulfilment, I wanted things for me, the time of abandoning me had come to an end…


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