Stuffed - How I learned to erupt and let go..

Stuffed…

For the longest time, I held it all in. I felt like I had my stomach pulled in all the time, trying to make it look flatter than it actually is, afraid to exhale and relax. What was I holding in? Tons and tons of stuff. Conversations I should have had, emotions I should have felt, expressed and released, tears I should have shed.  It got to the point where I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I was just way too full.  

There were times when I leaked and little bit of this stuff would seep out, which manifested in me feeling emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with, I would get into a funk, I would feel so very down, couldn’t access my joy, the glowing light that lived within me. I would retreat into myself, shutting off ,whilst trying to pretend to everyone that everything was ok, that I was the same old super reliable Patricia. I fooled no one!

When I couldn’t hold anymore in, the ‘stuff’ came out like a raging avalanche, which I dumped on the head of my beloved. He was shocked, surprised, hurt but held a beautiful space for me to access and express a deep truth that I was not willing to look at before. He wouldn’t let me off the hook, made me talk, really talk.

 What I wanted to do was just get me back to that familiar place, where I could put a lid on the stuff again, where I could keep it firmly in place and then access  the light within me. But here’s the thing,  flicker from the light was diminishing, which meant to me that my inner reserves of joy was low and I couldn’t protect my self from my funk and the eruption was going to happen again, taking me to a place that I was scared of going to. 

But I couldn’t do that and my beloved wouldn’t let me do that again. I had to go deep, because the fear of spewing all over my loved ones, was greater than looking at and dealing with the stuff.  So I talked and he listened. I voiced the deepest secrets, I expressed the sadness that had been an ignored occupant within me. I cried the tears  that should have flowed years ago.

What I realised that once something is observed, looked at it changes a little or a lot, so that whatever is there, is still there but the grip of it is loosened.  It’s like being scared to look under the bed at night because you don’t know what lurks there, but once you do the fear changes, it’s observed, there’s more information to make a decision from. 

This process was hard, I had to admit a lot. Admit that I was pretending to not know what I had to do. I had to admit that I wasn’t that scared little girl, I was a grown woman and it was absolute time that I put her in charge. I had to admit that I had access to a lot of internal resources, so had to let go of the victim which kept me stuck and scared. 

Has the process ended? Have I dealt with all the stuff? The answer is no. I feel like I’m on a destination-less  journey of letting go and letting in as I create more space within and increase my capacity to experience more joy, feel more love and thereby build up my reserves so I can give more joy and love.  

Right now, I am still chunking that muscle. There have been and will be situations where I have to express what I truly feel without being afraid of hurting others and at times it easy and other times not so easy, but I’m scared of becoming so full of stuff again, losing my joy that I continue on the journey of self love and expression.

If this has resonated with you in anyway, please share below.

Someday Island

I had my fair share of ideas, hopes, goals and dreams, the majority of them ended up on Someday Island.  I had two large storage containers worth of stuff on the island.  Ideas waiting to be born, to be given the light of day. 

When these flashes of inspiration popped into my heart, I would be excited, get swept along with the possibility; spend a few moments in a day dream… It felt like I was watching a movie of me doing something wonderful..  Then my brain the party pooper and what I thought was the big voice of reason would pipe up, reminding me that as a mother, spouse, employee, daughter, aunt, niece,  that whatever I was dreaming about was just that a dream, like a fairy tale.  It would say, "you haven’t got time for that. How could you possibly fit it in… The children, the children, what about the children…"

So that heartfelt idea joined the rest of the unexplored dreams and ideas on Someday Island… Someday island became more and more cluttered, I was struggling to find room for more stuff. It wasn’t organised, it was a big mess.  I wasn’t ready to let anything go, just in case someone managed to find extra hours in the day, where I could have a rummage through the stuff on Someday Island, select an idea and live it.  Who was I kidding, if I had any extra time, I would fill it up with stuff to make other people’s lives easier or better. My children could take on another activity or I could visit Aunty Doris more or fill it with a any task that kept me from focussing on me.  The truth was that I was scared, scared to sort through the ideas, organise and evaluate them. I thought that doing so would commit me to something that I wasn’t quite prepared for, spending time on me....

The persistent one

Some of the ideas just wouldn’t stop popping up over and over… I would go over the Island, find it amongst all the clutter, take it out and look at it like a trinket, blow ff the dust and place it back amongst the rest. But one day I decided to not just look at  a particular one, but look at them all, I was sorting through them, feeling them, trying them on like you would a pair of shoes. Did the flash of brilliance still resonate. Was it more than just an idea. Could I breathe life into it, create time in my life to achieve this thing.

The exercise of going through them was quite freeing. I was taking out the stuff that I had no connection to, creating space for the ‘things’ I wanted to explore further. Of course, the party pooper was still hanging around, but I felt okay because I was still in the evaluation stage and I felt that no one was missing out on me because I was doing this. 

 The creation of space was the declutter I needed. I felt relief when I discarded the ideas that I knew I would never act on, never develop. The few that remained were the right ones. These could become something that could make my heart sing.  

Now being able to see the wood for the trees, I was able to do a little research, and again this felt safe, no commitment, no signing on the dotted line. At that time, I didn’t feel like I should be doing something else. I began to really consider if I could pursue this thing that was becoming a goal. What was this thing, at the time it was actually a home study, I was interested in learning about Neuro Linguistic Programming… I started to see how much I could realistically dedicate to studying, whilst making sure that i could still take care of my family. This meant having discussions with my partner, really considering who was in my support network, and how they could support me. By having these conversations, it soon became apparent how much I could actually take on and when. 

From this position, I could really consider the who, where, how, what and when of achieving my goal.  In amongst all of this was the realisation that I already had far more support than I knew. Friends and family ready all to willing to help out, especially with my children. It was a win-win, my family got to spend some quality time with the kids without out me and my children got to know the family and create their own relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  

Did I start my course? No i didn’t not right away, I put that off for about a year, but I did join a gym and discovered that I loved spinning classes and soca aerobics…

The Truth I Left Behind

What have you forgotten about yourself, what truth have you been denying?

I forgot I was a Master Manifester.

I had the pleasure recently of receiving some free coaching at work.  After I went through my back story, I was reminded that I was a Master Manifester and that I could still manifest whatever I wanted to attain now…. This was a revelation to me, I had forgotten about my achievements of the past. I had lost connection to the magic of what I made manifest.

I revealed to the coach how I was a single mother, who went to university with a 4 year old son in tow, how I left university and got a job as an IT professional. I had achieved my goal.  The goal amazingly was that I wanted to take my darling son on holiday. I wanted to afford a holiday that didn’t involve buying a national tabloid newspaper and collecting tokens for three months.  My son deserved so much more than a weekend in Skegness at a holiday camp, so to take my son on the ultimate holiday to me meant taking him across the pond to the USA to party with Donald, Mickey, Daisy and co.

So here I was a mother and her son, living courtesy of the tax payer with a big bodacious goal of taking my son on this epic adventure.  Although it was a big goal at the time, at no point did it seem silly, pointless or unattainable. I had such a strong drive and belief that I could do this for my son. I didn’t write the goal down, create a vision board, do visualisation exercises around it, I didn’t pray on it, proclaim it or talk about it; it was a calm and gentle inner knowing.

I had worked before having my son at the ripe old age of 21, I was an administration officer for an examination board, so I was used to working and taking care of myself. But the salary I earned at as admin officer was not going to get my son on that plane. After childcare and general living expenses there wouldn’t be anything to put into the holiday fund.  I needed a change in career…

I bought the Guardian newspaper and leafed through the ‘position vacant’ section and noticed that a lot of the well paid jobs involved IT in some way or another.  Boom… my mind was made up; I was going to do an IT degree. I found a one year access to university course that was tied to an IT degree course. I completed the course, went to university and studied my socks off for 3 years, whilst working every weekend at a national DIY store. I got a 2:1 in Information Management & Business IT.

I applied for one job, and got that job and started work at an IT professional within 6 weeks of leaving university. By the end of summer holidays, guess what? My son and I had spent 2 weeks hanging out with the Disney crew.  

Looking back and upon reflection I was a master manifester, but I didn’t realise it then. I thought my choices and the steps I took to achieve them was no big thing.  I never ever took the time to stand back and take stock of what I had achieved; I just thought it was run of the mill stuff that anyone could do it, so me doing it wasn’t anything to rave about.

 Although I was giving thanks for getting my degree, getting a job, the holiday etc… I didn’t see my achievement as an achievement; I just saw it as part of the course. Nothing to really acknowledge, appreciate or celebrate.

Even when I learned that my 1^st IT manager gave me the job because to be a full time mother, full time student and part time employee and juggle all successfully meant I had something within me. I had no appreciation of this thing within me. I had no appreciation of me. When someone tried to give me a pat on the back for my success, I could not see how I deserved praise for that.

That comment from the coach at work jolted awake something within me. I could finally see the journey I took, what I overcame and how I was connected to the goal and the process of achievement.  Where did Patricia the Master Manifester go?  Nowhere, I just went into hiding, lost connection to me, the inner me.  I was operating from the outside, not calling upon my pool of inner resources

 Fast forward to now, am I more appreciative of me, yes, it’s a work in progress. I recently did an inventory of all the things I did and I now realise that I have accomplished quite a bit and I am having a little ‘me’ celebration.  I can now say I am proud of me for what I chose to do, I am patting myself on the back and doing the running man in my bedroom when no one is looking.

As I reflect, I am remembering and capturing my heart and mind-set and I am amazed at how simple I made it then. I just decided what I wanted to do, set my inner compass in that direction and off I went. I trusted me, my decisions and stayed connected to that inner knowing.  

Going forward with that knowledge coupled with appreciation for my past journey successes I am welcoming the opportunity to once again consciously create and manifest. I am welcoming the opportunity to recognise what I am doing and congratulate me.  That inner knowing has become an outer smile that I wear with pride.

I would love to know what you have recently remembered about you. Some magic you recently unearthed.   Please feel free to comment below....

Abandoned By Me

Although I always made time to show up for my children, job, family, friends etc., I wasn’t always showing up for me and for what I wanted.

I thought I was because I was being there for everyone else and for a long time this was good for me. I was the loving and responsible mother, the friend who was just a call away, the attentive daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin and partner. 

Who was I to me? At that point in my life this question didn’t matter. I was taking care of business. As long as I fulfilled my ‘obligations’ to these people  in my life, then I thought all should be good in my life, It was important to show up for them.

But who was showing up for me? I realised that I wasn’t. I had abandoned me by busying myself with other people business. What I needed to mind my own business first? Yes, mind my business. If I didn’t who else was going to? It didn’t mean that I totally shut these people out of my life, it simply meant that I would do for me, take care of me before I took care of them. 

In order to still be the kind of mother, friend, lover who was reliable, supportive etc.. I needed to take care of me, bring me back into my fold.  This didn’t mean letting go of everyone, but it meant I had to abandon the notion of minding their business.  I had to ensure I was topped with love, self-care, joy, fun, laughter, so that I could easily impart this on the people in my life I cared about.

However, by paying a little more attention to me, it became more difficult to ignore the little yearning that came from my heart, it became the more difficult to ignore the unresolved ‘hurt’ from the past, by focusing on others and by filling myself up with their stuff, it was just a ruse to stop me from focusing on me, because at that time I couldn’t choose the bits I wanted to focus on. My little voice wanted my attention. It wanted me to perform a clean-up exercise, acknowledge, process, feel, begin to heal, be free. 


Whoa…..I was at odds with the little voice, I was cool, I was good. I was smiling; I was fun time mummy, friend, partner etc…  So my little voice had it wrong. 

I was OK. Yeah right…Who was I kidding?

What was the catalyst for change?

I happened to catch a very brief glimpse of someone from my past who I invested too much in emotionally. It was like a bolt of thunder had ripped through my body when I saw them. Before this moment, I would have sworn that I was totally over that past relationship, I had moved on and I was totally in love with a good and loving man.  

It became obvious that I hadn’t really dealt with the breakup with of that old relationship – I thought I had dealt with it beautifully because there was no screaming, shouting, nothing as uncivilized as that…. Stiff upper lip and all that.

I never spoke to anyone about the hurt and pain I went through, family and friends commented on how well I handled the break up, I thought I was superwoman.

I just pushed all the hurt, pain down, I stuffed it away in a box and layered the box with being there for everything else.  That bolt of emotion that ripped through me tore the lid off the box and there I was with a mass of unresolved stuff that in moment I realised was stopping me from receiving more love and joy because it was there taking up space.  

I started to feel relief; it was like a slow release of steam. I didn’t want to or need to go and tell the other person how they made me feel, but I needed to get it out of me. I decided to write about it, I poured it all out in my journal. I wrote about it for days on end, the more I wrote, the more steam was released.  

I realised it wasn’t about forgiving the other person, this process wasn’t about them, it was about forgiving me and accepting my role in what transpired.  I chose to stay, ignored my intuition etc… I wasn’t sentenced to be with this person.  

The most amazing thing about this process was that I was able to see how beautiful and special my current relationship is, it was so far removed from what I had experienced before. They had given me a beautiful lesson in what I didn’t want and for that I gave thanks for. As Oprah Winfrey said, ‘nothing is ever wasted’. 

Now that I had my attention, and had created a bit more space within me, the yearning to do something else grew, it wasn’t as drastic like running off to join the circus, it was something small, but huge to me as it meant focusing on me, putting me in the limelight. Whatever this yearning was, it was for my higher good, I wanted more fulfilment, I wanted things for me, the time of abandoning me had come to an end…


I would love to receive your responses... Please feel free to comment below.

You can have it all.....

Hot Mama, you can indeed have it all.  The successful career, fulfilling goals and dreams as well as still being the fantastic care giver you have always been to your children.

As a mother myself, I know that taking care of my family is a top priority and for a long time I was scared to things for me in case my children slipped down the priority list.  Newsflash…. This doesn’t happen by itself…

I was scared to try new things because I thought that if my children didn’t have every moment of my undivided attention, even if they were off doing other things, I would be failing them and me.

How wrong was I? So wrong… When I decided to do little things for me, which made me feel good, this good feeling permeated the home and the relationship with my children.  I felt a little lighter and brighter. The reason for this was that I was a little more satisfied. Unbeknown to me it was a small act of self-love. 

When I decided to embark on a total change of career, it took a lot of courage, lots of tears and support from others who knew I could be self-employed and still be a fab mother.  I wrestled the desire in my heart against the negative self-talk that always wanted me to stay the same, not to venture out, to accept my lot and allow my dreams and desire to wither away.   All I knew was that doing my 9-5 job was becoming more and more challenging; my true talents were not being used consistently.  I felt most alive at work when I was mentoring or organising social events, where I felt I was making a positive difference in people’s lives. I wanted to do this full-time and get paid for it.

Once I set my intention, a lot of help came my way. Friends and family were supportive. I found networking groups that offered support. I didn’t suddenly resign my position at work, but I began to really explore what I wanted to do, set some goals and put some plans in place. I wasn’t sure when I was going to leave my job, but I trusted that it would be at the right time…

The right time happened when I got made redundant. I wasn’t surprised because spiritually and emotionally I had resigned a long time ago.  I had a bit of a buffer; I could live off my redundancy for about a year…. I was scared witless, but I owed it to me to give it a shot. Did I love myself enough to do this for myself? In all the planning and researching and goal setting I did, I saw this as an act of self-love because I had to ensure that I had enough of the moving parts in place for me to continue to be a fantastic mother to my boys.  In no way were they to be negatively impacted for my decision to ‘go it alone’.  It was like I had to make sure my reserves of self-love were overflowing to ensure that this flowed to my boys. It wasn’t about just going to the gym, putting on my make-up but it was deeper than that, did I love myself enough to listen to the whispers of my heart. Did I love myself enough to take me where I felt I deserved to be? Did I love myself enough to live with purpose?  Did I love myself enough to be true to me and stop hiding behind the role of motherhood?

I took the time to define the prize. I embarked on this new journey, keeping my eye just not on the end goal, but on the little steps along the way.  I celebrated each step I made and the challenges I overcame.  I embraced my fears by talking about them during networking. I involved my children as much as I could. Their support was a key part to my success. I ran things by them, sought their opinion when it was appropriate.  My children were proud of me and that helped to keep me going when I wondered what the hell I was doing….  I was showing my children that there was another way, that they could pursue their dreams. I was giving them a valuable lesson that wasn’t taught in school, I was teaching them to break the mould, that going after their dream was a beautiful act of self-love. I was being a trailblazer for my children and most importantly I was my mojo back. I was a hot, fulfilled Mama, living a life on and with purpose. 

We were all happy.