Abandoned By Me

Although I always made time to show up for my children, job, family, friends etc., I wasn’t always showing up for me and for what I wanted.

I thought I was because I was being there for everyone else and for a long time this was good for me. I was the loving and responsible mother, the friend who was just a call away, the attentive daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin and partner. 

Who was I to me? At that point in my life this question didn’t matter. I was taking care of business. As long as I fulfilled my ‘obligations’ to these people  in my life, then I thought all should be good in my life, It was important to show up for them.

But who was showing up for me? I realised that I wasn’t. I had abandoned me by busying myself with other people business. What I needed to mind my own business first? Yes, mind my business. If I didn’t who else was going to? It didn’t mean that I totally shut these people out of my life, it simply meant that I would do for me, take care of me before I took care of them. 

In order to still be the kind of mother, friend, lover who was reliable, supportive etc.. I needed to take care of me, bring me back into my fold.  This didn’t mean letting go of everyone, but it meant I had to abandon the notion of minding their business.  I had to ensure I was topped with love, self-care, joy, fun, laughter, so that I could easily impart this on the people in my life I cared about.

However, by paying a little more attention to me, it became more difficult to ignore the little yearning that came from my heart, it became the more difficult to ignore the unresolved ‘hurt’ from the past, by focusing on others and by filling myself up with their stuff, it was just a ruse to stop me from focusing on me, because at that time I couldn’t choose the bits I wanted to focus on. My little voice wanted my attention. It wanted me to perform a clean-up exercise, acknowledge, process, feel, begin to heal, be free. 


Whoa…..I was at odds with the little voice, I was cool, I was good. I was smiling; I was fun time mummy, friend, partner etc…  So my little voice had it wrong. 

I was OK. Yeah right…Who was I kidding?

What was the catalyst for change?

I happened to catch a very brief glimpse of someone from my past who I invested too much in emotionally. It was like a bolt of thunder had ripped through my body when I saw them. Before this moment, I would have sworn that I was totally over that past relationship, I had moved on and I was totally in love with a good and loving man.  

It became obvious that I hadn’t really dealt with the breakup with of that old relationship – I thought I had dealt with it beautifully because there was no screaming, shouting, nothing as uncivilized as that…. Stiff upper lip and all that.

I never spoke to anyone about the hurt and pain I went through, family and friends commented on how well I handled the break up, I thought I was superwoman.

I just pushed all the hurt, pain down, I stuffed it away in a box and layered the box with being there for everything else.  That bolt of emotion that ripped through me tore the lid off the box and there I was with a mass of unresolved stuff that in moment I realised was stopping me from receiving more love and joy because it was there taking up space.  

I started to feel relief; it was like a slow release of steam. I didn’t want to or need to go and tell the other person how they made me feel, but I needed to get it out of me. I decided to write about it, I poured it all out in my journal. I wrote about it for days on end, the more I wrote, the more steam was released.  

I realised it wasn’t about forgiving the other person, this process wasn’t about them, it was about forgiving me and accepting my role in what transpired.  I chose to stay, ignored my intuition etc… I wasn’t sentenced to be with this person.  

The most amazing thing about this process was that I was able to see how beautiful and special my current relationship is, it was so far removed from what I had experienced before. They had given me a beautiful lesson in what I didn’t want and for that I gave thanks for. As Oprah Winfrey said, ‘nothing is ever wasted’. 

Now that I had my attention, and had created a bit more space within me, the yearning to do something else grew, it wasn’t as drastic like running off to join the circus, it was something small, but huge to me as it meant focusing on me, putting me in the limelight. Whatever this yearning was, it was for my higher good, I wanted more fulfilment, I wanted things for me, the time of abandoning me had come to an end…


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